Broken past, broken mind
by Whillit
Summary: Behind Izaya's mocking smile hides more than a story, a mysterious girl, a promise he couldn't keep. What dark secrets hides in Izaya's past? The saddest people sometime smile the brightest, because they do not wish the pain they've endured on another soul. How will Shizuo react when he finds the informant haunted by memories... and a name?
1. Chapter 1 forced to remember

_**Warnings;** I do not own Durarara_

_Amaya is my own character and not in the serie._

_Contains violence._

* * *

_It's a small story really, about, among other things:_

* A girl

_* A broken toy  
*A song  
*Some words  
*and quite a lot of sorry._

* * *

_"how can you forget someone that gave you so much to remember?"_

* * *

**Izaya's POW**

Her green eyes so filled with hatred and disgust, her dark long hair a tangled mess, the crown around her trembling face;the crown of my work, she was on all four looking up at me with such hatred that i couldn't help to smile.

So easy changeable.

The world around us felt silent, like nothing else mattered, empty streets below us that followed with the light and low ticking of a broken traffic light. _green, red, green,red _clouded my vision_._

She had been embracing me in her arms, believing that someone finally loved her, that someone would stop just to look at her, would stay quiet just to hear her voice, that someone would touch her,_ feel_ her.

Ah, the longing humans felt, the longing of being touched, thats why I had so easily gotten my claws around her, all i needed to do was to listen, to pretend i understood her longing for a human embrace, pretend that she mattered and she had swallowed it all: the story of a broken young man, trying to find love after the loss of his only friend, while the whole world turned against him, that she was his only hope, she had taken pity on me, wanting so badly for it to be true, that her mind had told her lies even I couldn't come up with.

Trying to protect her from the real truth, the world is a selfish place.

Just a second ago she had loved me, been whispering sweet words in my ears, words that i pretended to greet with my own, undying love. Now I was the monster. The betrayer, the madman once again, oh, how i loved this role, how i loved her, not for who she was but for what she was. A human, with emotions acting out of control, I laughed, a dry, fake laugh that colored the night with a madred, such beauty, so wonderful the human mind.

"You…you're, a _monster_." Her words came out forced and weak yet the anger and betrayal in them was unrecognisable.

"Oh, how boring Mi-chan!I thought you loved me~" I sang while i blinked towards her with long eyelashes, I knew that I was good looking, i'd been mistaken for a girl in my entire childhood until i started junior high but looks don't matter. They are deceiving, a nice smile and the right attitude can hide any thing, its nothing interesting about a pair of pretty eyes, what's interesting is what hides beneath the surface. Take my lovely Shizu-chan for example, behind that weak facade hides a strength beyond any human. The body is just a shell, hiding the treasure underneath, the human mind, a complex palace of emotions and memories, bring them together and what will you get?Something to play with.

I got down on one leg in front of her, the ground cold underneath me.

She was so beautiful in her distress, I would bet every little dirty secret in Ikebukuro that all she could think about in this given moment was her self; and I could make that happen, considering that i knew every secret worth having.

Stripped down to her awkward form, a child who couldn't stop crying.

She didn't look at me, her eyes on the floor, oh she bored me now, such a normal reaction, i had expected more from her.

"I-I don't want… I just want to die."

There it was, so easy so easily changeable.

"Well, I'm not a nice guy, I won't stop you this time, it's kind of scary how much people trust me, really…. When i just as easily could _end_ them" She looked up at this, fear in her eyes, tears rolling down her cheeks,nothing I hadn't seen before. Usually I liked to observe things in a distance but on rare occasions like this i couldn't help to enjoy a bit of fun. Because this was_ fun_.

"Please don't kill me…."

I smiled. Take away everyone around you, take away the objects you need in everyday life and what are you? Nothing.

"Well I won't stop you, your life are your own after all, yet~" I said while i got up, turning my back on her, the wind caught the edges of my jacket, making it fly behind me like the black cape of a villain, she whimpered slightly.

"Humans don't see it that way, we live for others, what other people say or think of us, if someone wants us a certain way we act the part, we live and die for others yet we do nothing but think of ourselves. Life is such a mystery, we never know what's going to happen, actions changes us. Everyone can look at a white wall and know it for what it is, yet everyone will think of it differently" My voice was sweet, like a thick fog.

Ikebukuro was so beautiful at night, so filled with misery and suffering, when i found it like this beneath me, saw all the people running around, I couldn't help to wonder how it felt. Being one with the crowd, melting in like you belonged.

I started walking on the edge of the roof, balancing with my hands out on either side, even if i didn't need to balance myself, If i wanted I could walk this roof on my bare hands.

"Being alive is such a strange thing, don't you agree? We find our own reasons, yet to live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all… To say that you want to die, you must first ask yourself… _Are you even alive?_" I slipped willingly, almost falling of.

She looked at me , trapped in my words, sitting on her legs like she didn't know what to do.

"All you have to do is to keep evolving, or one day you will simply..._slip_." I said, arms out, while i let myself fall back,_ down the roof._

I could hear her screaming after me, a fake name of many others.

The air in my hair and the falling sensation in my chest, this must be how it felt falling in love. I laughed when i saw her, trying to reach out for me, so weak this one was.

It always struck me how long time it took to reach the ground, It felt like momenst gone by.

It was at times like this i truly felt alive, I closed my eyes, listening to the wind screaming at me, waiting for me to hit the ground and become one with my surroundings. A bloody pulp at the end of the road.

I didn't fear death, why would I? As long as i was alive I didn't care if i went to heaven or hell. Thats why falling never scared me, it was just a state of being, like being asleep, as long as you knew how to wake up you had nothing to fear.

I let myself fall freely in the air, until my hands found the lather, it braced the fall enough so that i landed gracefully on the concrete, the girl still screaming in terror while i started walking away, hands in my pockets, bored.

Ahh… Ikebukuro,how I love this place. Maybe i should try to find Shizu-chan and get some exercise on my way home?

I was tired and had an abnormal feeling clutching to my chest, as if i was drowning. Hoping that Shizu-chan would keep me on other thoughts.

_Its because of the nightmares._

_Its because of her._

_All this time, everything so far have been about _her_._

I've hid it so far, haven't i? Just act like you always do, don't be weak.

Just keep your mind focused on something else, don't let it get to you, _don't let it get you you!_

You're Izaya Orihara, you're not weak, you're beyond feelings like that.

Shizu-chan wasn't usually up this late but thru some valuable information i knew that he had a late nights job. It wouldn't hurt to pay him a visit… If i dodged that is.

I smirked while I turned the corner, I knew where he was, I always knew, thats the great thing with being an informant, knowing things that didn't belong to you.

* * *

**Shizuo's POV**

"Please, please don't! I promise, I do-don't-"

"Shut up!" I squeezed my hand closer around his throat, his legs above ground, kicking. Why did they always have to beg?

The guy looked up at me, his grey cap glued itself to his sweat covered face. He looked like one of those tugs i usually beat up.

"I know nothing! Just let me go, please I won't tell anyone!"

The begging had started when he realised he didn't stand a chance... So just around the time i had spotted him.

"Easy now, all you need is-"

"I don't knooow!" Oh god, let me go, you _monster_!"

I sighed, i hated violence and i didn't feel like killing someone tonight. I let my grip around him go, he wasnt worth the effort, he falled heavy to the ground, crawling with his back against the wall, scared.

Great, everyone was scared of me."Shizu-chaaan!~ Did you miss me?!" Well… Not every one.

_Izaya Orihara._

I turned around just in time to see the reflection of a blade trapped in the moonlight, i caught it between my fingers, frowning…

"Don't you have anything better to do? Some poor girl to torment?"

"Ahh~Shizu-chan, no fair! It isn't nice bullying poor girls!" Izaya said in his sing-song voice while he stepped out from the shade he had been lurking in. The small light from the lamppost made his red eyes glow, a smirk across his face. He looked like a cat, a Cheshire smile with shiny eyes, moving with unnatural grace.

What wouldn't i give to see those pretty eyes of his close one last time? To punch that smirk away once and for all, see him crawling at my feet.

"Isn't it all you do,flea?"

A dangerous spark in those red eyes, he rocked back and forth innocently."I don't bully….Bullying people is lame! Pathetic even, all i want to do is to share my love for the world!"

"You sure as hell have a sick way to show it on." I said while i lighted a cigarette, Ignoring the whimpering man in the corner of my eye, he locked back and forth between us, waiting for the fight that soon would break out.

"Don't do that Shizu-chan, it will kill you one day, and who will play with then? A mindless beast would be enough but-"

"You little-"

Before even i had time to react i was throwing a garbage can towards Izaya by pure instinct, he dodged it without trouble, the tug giving out a small scream beside me when dirt and god knows what else rained down on him...Together with my smoke… So much for that.

Izaya laughed, folding in double, hands on his knees, his black hair hiding his face."Oh, Shizu-chan, you're always just as fun! What would I do without you?"

I knew that the flea was trying to piss me off, wanting me to go on a rampage, hunting after him while he laughed in delight, making me lose my cool.

He got up and started walking closer to me, trying to provoke me furhter, and it partly worked..."nooo~ Shizu-chan, don't be like that! I haven't been around in a long time, i miss talking to you, i miss our little _game_, i miss the way you look at me." I glared at him, trying to muster as much hatred as possible, I wouldn't let him break me, not tonight, i had work to do."Yes! Yes~ That way, thats what i'm talking about, that hatred, tell me Shizu-chan, how does it feel hating someone so much?" He purred.

"You tell me flea, you're not crazy about me either."

Izayas eyes got wide, while he clutched at his heart."Well, Shizu-chan!~~How can you even say such a thing! Don't you know that i'm madly in love with you~" Izaya sounded hurt, his voice girly, trembling slightly while he spoke.

I would believed him, if it wasnt for the fact that he was Izaya Orihara, Izaya couldn't love any one...

"That's when you're wrong Shizu-chan! I do love you!"

How did he do that? The flea had always had his way around words, I would never admit it but he was smart, but when he spoke your own mind, like he could read your thoughts, thats when it got too much.

I grit my teeth."Shut up stupid flea."

"Now why would I do that when its so much fun talking to you!" Izaya said while he looked up at me with innocent eyes, still the mocking smirk that never seemed to leave his face made the picture of an innocent Izaya crash and burn. Why couldn't he just leave me alone?

"Because I have no one else shizu-chan, isn't that obvious? Or are a monster like you with just half the brain to stupid to even notice the-"

Izaya dodged the container, letting it fly over his body, bending down in an impossible angle.

"_ I will kill you.._."

"You keep saying that shizu-chan yet i'm still alive am I not?" Izaya said, hands up as if he was trying to calm me down, what a joke! I growled."Hey, whoow~ Take it easy big guy or else... Someone will end up dead, and it wont be me!"Izaya backed away, knowing fully well that I would run after him by my heart's content, I heard an animalistic sound and looked behind me just to realise that it came from me.

Then i leaped forward, missing the flea just in time for him to get a heads start.

"You are slacking behind Shizu-chan, are you scared of hurting me~!" Izaya yelled, sounding scaringly much as a mocking school girl.

I kept up my hunt, forcing my legs to go faster, why was the flea so damned fast? We passed people on the way, up and down almost empty streets.

"Oh, why won't you smile Shizu-chan? Am i boring you?" He asked while he suddenly turned around forcing me to run past him, not able to stop.

I turned towards him, just to feel the usual pain, crimson red coloring my sleeve, the blade of a knife visible thru the darkness. I didn't focus too much on it, i was used to the pain and it wouldn't do any significant damage.

Izaya should know by now, such a wound wouldn't budge me the slightest.

"ooh~I'm soooo, sooorry shizu-chan, did I hurt you?" Izaya said, while he giggled.

I tried reaching for him but he just backed away, out of my reach, every time, dodging my fists right before i got to him .

"Nah-ah, don't get ahead of your self!"

I growled, ripping the nearest street sign from the ground, it ironically read **STOP,** just as heavy as a lollipop in my hands.

I swinged it at him, but ofcorse he jumped away, landing on top of it, his weight didn't make any difference, how little was the damned flea any way?

I ignored his laugh at my- what I hoped not to be- impressed face and slammed it against the bricks of an old building, one of the few in Ikebukuro. Hoping that i would hit him with it, a pile of dust from the broken cobblestones clouded my vision when it cracked, making me unable to see.

I almost thought that id got him, when i heard a laugh, a sweet laugh and a warm breath on my neck, it followed with something cold pressed against my throat.

"Thats so cute Shizu-chan, you go thru so much trouble trying to make me happy~! Izaya giggled, I could hear the smirk thru his voice, his breath was way too sweet, intoxicating, it felt sticky.

"I'm sorry that playtimes over, Iza-chan." I said while trying to copy the fleas annoying tone. I was just about to throw him over my head when i felt his body stiffen behind me, the knife slipping to the floor with a scramble that seemed to colour the world.

What the hell?

"flea-"

I said angrily, sure that this was just one of his tricks, why else would he leave himself vulnerable like that? But when i turned to face him my heart stopped.

Raven hair fallen slightly over a pair of shocked eyes... Only that they weren't the usual ruby red, they were milky, cold… I shivered, they stared out over nothing, like he was caught in a bad dream he couldn't wake up from..._ Dead._

His hands trembling and the smirk blown away, his mouth opened in a comical O.

"Ey, flea, it isn't funny any more, snap out of it, stop playing around!" I yelled, he didn't react towards my words, it almost felt like he was slipping further away, standing still like a statue except the trembling in is small body, and just like that Izaya was gone. All I could see was a small young man, lost. Sence when was he ever so small? Had he always been so... so... Little? His body seemed fragile.._. No, he was still Izaya, he was still the stupid flea! This was just a trick!_

"Damn, it! This isn't funny any more!" I reached around the collar of his jacket and slammed him against the wall, I could feel the air leaving him.

"No-no, don't die not like this…" The fleas words was haunted and fragile and sended shivers down my neck. They were so unlike his usual taunting words, so unlike the mockery tone and childish voice, they were so… So _human_.

I smacked him hard across the face with my open palm, sure that this was just a silly game, an act by so many others but what would he win by it? I had never seen the informant like this before. Shut down from the world, hell, I had never seen him without that smirk of his before at all and this was really creeping me out.

I started going back in my mind, trying to understand what could have triggered it, had he hit his head against the wall? He shivered."No...no...NO, amaya-chan...!"

His voice was like needles, filled with so much pain that I couldn't do any thing else than stare. Stare at the broken replica i was holding against the wall, he was a lifeless marionette with out any strings holding him up.

"Please…Don't…why…" He started to giggle, but it wasn't the usual giggle, the one that made me filled with furry, fantasizing about ripping his throat up, no. This giggle was more of a hiccup, filled with pain, suffering and god knows what else, just like the garbage can, filled with something so dirty that you didn't even want to smell it.

I was stunned with shock, my hands felt numb against his throat.

"SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY!" I yelled while i made an effort by punching him hard against the wall again. When that didn't work i did it again and again, before a pain filled moan escaped his lips._ Dont lose control, dont loose it! You can do this, focus, dont let it get to you, dont lose it...** dont lose it!**_

I let his body fall to the ground in terror, nothing holding him up, wiping my hands on my bartender vest as if i was trying to wipe away something dirty.

A mark after his body left in the wall, a cloud of dust followed him down. How...

He started coughing violently on all fours while something started to change in those dead eyes, the milky red turned ruby once more.

His body shaking, he blinked, as if he just woken up. Then something close to realisation hit him. He tried to get up, fast, it was almost painfull to watch, his breathing sounded like a low whistle.

By the love of...

I reached down instinctively, trying to grab him, helping him up, just to do something but when my hand touched his shoulder he slapped it away, back against the wall, away from me._"Don't-touch...me._" His voice wasn't scared anymore but it was still shaken.

Normally I would have laughed at this, the great semi god Izaya Orihara down on his knees, shivering and shaking in front of me. It was a dream coming true, then why didn't it feel as sweet? Why did i feel helpless?

**No**.

_I just couldn't kill him in this state, it wouldn't be fair, after all the years hunting after him I wouldn't kill him without a fair fight._

Atleast thats what i told my self, but somewhere deep inside I was also shocked. Shocked because… I know its strange but I didn't think Izaya could feel.

Its stupid I know but after all the times i've punched him, tried to kill him, seen him in danger, hurt. During all that time, the only thing he'd shown the world was that smile of his saying: _What else can you throw at me?_

I guess i'd grown costume to the thought that Izaya Orihara was a man without human feelings.

That he wasn't human.

I turned my eyes towards him.

Izaya stood up, shaking, he looked a bit pale yet that annoying smirk was back in place.

"What the hell happened to you?" I said while I couldn't help to hide the worried disgust in my voice.

He just looked at me.

"What a-are you talki-ng about sweet shizu-chan~ Nothing happened!" His voice was too sweet, to normal, to forced.

"Don't try to act tough on me flea! A second ago you were shaking! Trembling of fear, now you're trying to act like nothing happened?!" I grabbed for him again, pushing him against the wall, he hissed in pain but I ignored it.

"I'm just asking one more time, what happened to you?" My voice was steadier than i felt.

"Oh, Shizu-chan are worried over me! How sweet! I don't know what to say I-"

I hit him across the face, I had to give it to the flea, he was a good actor, every sign of his previous breakdown was gone, instead all that was left was that annoying smirk and clouded eyes as if he hadn't woken up fully yet.

"I'm just asking one more time, tell me, or else ill kill you."

He just looked at me, ignoring my angry eyes. He looked calm, nonchalant as if all this was normal, as if he couldn't care less what happened to him, if he lived or died. Thats when I saw it, how much he hated me and not just hated... he looked scared. Like i was the bad guy, like I was the monster in the story,I almost didn't notice it, a small hint of fear hidden behind layers and layers of hate. It disappeared almost as fast as it comed, but it had been there.

I had never seen him openly show how much he hated me but now his eyes was filled with anger.

"Then kill me." He said simply shrugging his shoulders.

"Don't tempt me…" I growled, pushing him harder against the wall, his body tensed, he just looked at me with disbelief as if i was the one having a breakdown...Or whatever this was called.

"What happened, why did you lose it?"

"Oh, Shizu-chan, are your love for me making you hallucinate? I just got punched in the wall and got an after reaction… Nothing strange about that, you were the one to throw me after all~!"

Izaya sang, again with that overdone sweet voice.

"You were screaming… _Amaya-chan_, who's that?"

He winced by this, it had only been for a second, his eyes widening as if by pain, his knuckles white, his hands fists.

"Ohhh. _poor, _beloved Shizu-chan! I'm sorry but I can't stay any longer and listen to your imagination running wild! I have beauty sleep to catch up on and-"

"You were yelling, please don't die Amaya-chan… Do you think i'm stupid?"

Once again Izaya flinched by the name, a visible pain across his face, his body became lifeless, his head hanging. Before he started laughing, this laugh was mad, painful, forced even.

When he finally looked back at me his eyes was filled with emotions, but he quickly recovered, emptying his eyes until a small mischievous glint was all that was left.

"oh, yes shizu-chan I do think you're stupid and if you excuse me I have to go~"

A small cut ripped open my shirt, it was shallow and almost didn't bleed but it was enough for me to let him go, startled by his sudden control.

He bolted forward ,running of.

* * *

**Izayas POV**

_Damn it, damn it, damn it_! I cursed inside my mind, over and over while i ran.

I can't believe it, id let myself fall apart for the first time since…

Well never mind that but in front of him, shizu-chan.

_And all because of her._

_All because of those eyes._

_All because of that voice._

_All because of her smile._

I cursed my weakness while i continued running thru the night.

Something like this could never happen again, I had to do something and fast.

Before my past caught up with me, before_ she _caught up with me.

* * *

**So… this is it, its a long first chapter, i greet everyone that makes it untill the end, I have a vague idea of where this is going…**

**More warnings will be added later on!**

**Please leave a review or what ever you feel like!**

**I'm sorry for the grammar mistakes or spelling errors!**

**Thanks~**


	2. Chapter 2 Amaya

_I do not own Durarara!_

_Amaya is my own character and not from the serie._

_Quote from _Timothy Delvecc and Rob Sheffield.

Im a quote lover~ sorry!

The song is Sakura, Sakura, a traditional japanese folk song. (If you like I can post the english translate on request.)

* * *

_"When we die, we will turn into songs, and we will hear each other and remember each other." _

* * *

_"Sakura, Sakura,_

_ya-yo-i no so-ra wa."_

That voice, so sweet and light that it scared some of the darkness away, it eased the pain. Like a rope in the bottom of the sea, hope from drowning.

I was suffocating.

The melody simple and clear, it found me thru the waves, free as if someone sang it embracing me above the surface. I took a breath, the first one in a long time, how long I can't say.

How could a voice sound so pure? So innocent, like nothing could settle in those tones... Pain, war, betrayal and love nothing existed except that song.

_"Mi-wa-ta-su ka-gi-ri,"_

I could see them, colored white in the darkness, comming from the light, an open door in the end of the tunnel, the voice; _her_ voice, a voice I yet didn't know but would come to mean it all, my oldest and only friend, the only _person_ I would ever love.

The light, the song must come from there, but how had it found me? How could I found it? Find my way back...

_"Ka-su-mi ka ku-mo-ka,"_

Black hair reaching for me, dark brown eyes timeless, a face so kind that it blinded me. She was wearing black traditional kimono with light flower petals, cherry-blossoms.

Am I dead? Did I finally die? Is this the angel that have come to get me and claim my soul... Will the pain finally stop? Would I come to heaven or hell? Did it matter?

_"Ni-o-i zo i-zu ru;"_

The sky clouded like my vision.

Something cold against my back and something wet, like the water hadn't dried from my clothes after the sea i had been drowning in, but the water had been cold, this was warm.

Then the pain, when everything started to clear the pain made its reminder. My chest ached, my stomach hurt and my mind burned. Were had the voice gone? I must be in hell, did i deserve it? I guess I did, at least thats what they told me, over and over again.

"_i-za-ya, i-zaya Mi ni yu-kan."_

_**Izaya!**_

A scream of terror, a girl, had i imagined it? The scream left my ears ringing, my hands clutching at my head, trembling, the scream like a rememory not yet to be.

There she was, the voice. Her back against me, gazing up at the sky above, her hair dark, disappearing into the night.

"_Ka-su-mi-ka ku-mo-ka,_

_Ni-o-i-zo i-zu-ru"_

The angel of the night.

"_I-za-ya_

_I-za-ya_

_Mi—ni—_

_Yu-ka-n"_

She turned towards me, with those kind brown eyes. The sleeves of her kimono reaching down over her hands, it looked too big on her small figure.

"You were sleeping for a long time, i almost thought you wouldn't wake up."

Her voice still held the light tones of someone singing, standing on toes like she would fly away by any given moment. Her smile pure and soft, soft was a fair word for it, it was gentle and warm, like a soft wind at spring.

"Am-Am...I-" The pain.

"Dead? I don't know, it depends, were you ever alive?"

Something about her question frighten me, it wasn't her, nothing dark was hiding behind that smile, it was the question because I didn't know how to answer it.

I was quiet for a long time, the only sound my heavy breathing.

"Whats your name?"

"I-Iza-ya, Orih-h-hara." I said it without hesitation, the pain was the only thing keeping me back.

I wanted to hear that voice, it was safe. It eased the pain in my head, calmed me. Still, it wasn't taking over, the words was low, almost like a whisper, like a pouring waterfall at spring. When it had settled from the cold winter, floating in to the surroundings adding to the harmony. She was spring, hope.

"He who watches over the people." She turned towards me."Your name, it means he who watches over the people... Do you?"

"Do w-what?"

"Do you watch over people?"

I tried smiling, it hurt, still it was all i could do.

"The saddest people sometimes smile the brigthest, loneliest people can be the kindest. The most damaged people are filled with wisdom. All because they do not wish the pain they've endured on another soul… Is that why you're smiling now? Are you sad?"

"N-o, I'm smiling because I'm at peace."

"Oh? Hows that?"

"Hows what?" I asked still smiling.

"Being at peace?"

I was on my back, looking up at the sky, clouds floating by, like dark waves carried by the wind."I-i don't know, i've never been at peace before, I guess… Its because I'm not scared."

"Why not?" She was still looking at me, the kind smile, the sweet voice.

"Because you're here." The answer felt natural, like breathing, still I didn't know why I said it.

She tilted her head."You're not afraid of me?"

"Why would I be?"

She looked puzzled at this, her brown eyes confused."Everyone's scared of me, they know the reason... Why I'm smiling."

"And why are you smiling?" The pain had started to ease enough for me to speak.

"I can't say." She said it like it was something obvious, as if the question had confused her.

"Why not?"

"Because you didn't answer my question."

I frowned."What question?"

"Do you look over people?"

"Yes."

My only escape. Watching people, their daily routine, something to distract me from the pain.

Humans scare me, mostly because I don't know why they act the way they do. I see people cry when they should smile, I see them crying while smiling. I see them hug other people, wave… Hurt. Being human is a language i haven't learned. Thats why i'm always watching, trying to understand what to do, what to feel.

Thats why I ended up on this roof, for a reason i yet have to figure out, people don't like it when i'm watching them.

They get angry… I hope that I won't need to run, that one day it won't be any one left to hunt after me, that I one day can watch over someone, without getting hurt.

Its one thing i've learned for sure tho,every time someone crys… Its because of someone else. Humans hurt each other…

"_Can you watch over me?"_

The question was uncalled for, yet my voice was filled with… Joy? I don't know, i've never known this feeling before."Yes."

She looked up at the sky again."Why did they kill you?"

I closed my eyes, the pain, always the pain. Still my voice was calm."I thought you said I wasn't dead."

"Oh… You are dead but not as much as before."

"Thats... good."

"If you say so…. Then, why did they kill you?"

"They felt like it, they didn't like me watching them…."

" You watch those people a lot." It didn't sound like a question but I answered it anyway.

"Yes."

"...They kill you a lot..." Still not a question.

"Yes."

"Does it hurt, being killed?"

"Yes."

She faced me again, frowning, her melody voice grew closer and i realised that she was sitting down next to me, her knees against her chest while she rested her face, arms around her.

"... You're bleeding."

"Yes."

"Do you need help?"

"It usually stops, don't worry about it." The pain had started to disappear and i rested my hands on my stomach, a pile of blood underneath me, like a red carpet. My eyes felt heavy.

"Are you going to sleep again?"

"Yes."

"okay, don't worry i'll be here when you wake up again, if those guys come back I will protect you."

I smiled."Thank you." It didn't feel like enough. I forced my arm to move, trying to find her hand, she took it willingly.

"You're cold."

"Yes."

She shivered."Can you say something else than yes?"

"Yes."

"Oh, okay then… One time I couldn't say any thing else than _jamu_ for a week."

"You couldn't say any thing than _jelly_ for a weak?"

She nodded.

"Whats your name?"

"_Amaya_, it means night-rain."

By her words I could feel something wet on my forehead, flinching I opened my eyes. The clouds above us, grey."It's raining." It was a simple observation, something that didn't need to be said, yet it had to. It was hard to explain, as if the rain wouldn't fall for real until i pointed it out.

"Don't worry ill protect you."

"I know… And Amaya, can I call you Amaya-chan?"

"Why?"

"Because you're my friend."

"Oh… I've never had a friend before, and Izaya?"

"Yes?"

"Can I call you Iza-chan?"

"If you want to."

"okay then Iza-chan!... Oh and Iza-chan?"

"Yes?"

"You're almost alive now."

"_hm…" _My eyes heavy.

What a pair we made. The broken boy, laying on his back. Blood coloring the ground behind him, coloring his hair, even his eyes was crimson red. As if the blood had sunken in long ago.

The girl, she was barefoot. Wearing an oversized kimono, with a voice of an angel and eyes personifying kindness.

Nothing connecting them to the world except that roof, where it all had started, even if it had started long ago, before them.

When the boy was young and red even then colored his life, when the girl was a child and even then her song was the only thing keeping the silence away.

The warmth of their hands, the only company except the anger of the humankind and the silence of the world.

She would learn from him, the meaning of a friend and he… _I _would learn so much more, that words will stay with you and hurt more than any scar or blow. How much a smile can hide, what wisdom costs.

Is this was people call destiny? Is this what people call_ luck_?

"_Ya-yo-I-no so-ra-wa_

_Mi-wa-ta-su ka-gi-ri_

_Ka-su-mi-ka ku-mo-ka_

_Ni-o-i-zo i-zu-ru_

_I-za-ya_

_I-za-ya"_

She had started to sing again, her voice warming me like a thick blanket.

"Iza-Iza-chan…?"

"...yes?"

"Promise me youll look over me?"

"Promise me youll stay...Atleast untill i'm alive again."

"Always?"

"_Always."_

* * *

A dream.

The memory that became a nightmare, the happiest memory I had…

_Damn it, damn it, damn it!_

I tucked the blankets closer around me hiding my face; If Shizu-chan could see me now…. I wondered what he would say, what he would think…

Would he laugh? Would he try to kill me? Would he walk away?

It was more options but they didn't belong to me.

Not someone like me.

Why couldn't you keep your promise?!

I wasn't alive, i've never been alive, you promised to be here!

Anger quickly turned to guilt.

Why couldn't i keep my promise?

It was a long time ago since i last cried, to be honest I didn't think i could.

Not since….

Dark, except from the blood, black hair, a smile…"I protected you...I-You're wrong Iza-Iza-chan, it doesn't hurt... "

I closed my eyes thru the tears. I couldn't stop, _why couldn't I stop? _

I forced the smirk to shield me. Atleast I had that left….

The saddest people sometime smile the brightest….

Yea…Right.

* * *

**Thank you for reading to the end, I will post more chapters so follow for more! Please leave a review so I can have something to go on! :)  
**

**I always love to get some feedback! Thanks!**


	3. Chapter 3 Nightmares

_Amaya is my own character._

_I dont own durarara, Quotes taken from the original manga._

* * *

_"You learned to run from what you feel, and that's why you have nightmares. To deny is to invite madness. To accept is to control." _  
_― Megan Chanse_

* * *

**Izayas POV**

I wasn't the type of person that cried… For gods sake i wasn't any kind of person, I had made sure of that.

I could be evil, kind, childish and cruel, I had so many faces, so many masks that I had forgotten which one that was my own.

So many mirrors and reflections in the same room that in the end, I didn't know which one was real or not.

I know, I can be sensitive as well, I surprise even myself sometimes.

So thats why, when i found myself sleepless, crying like a god damn child, I didn't know what to do with my self.

This was a mask i hadn't picked on my own, and it left every mirror shattered, in to so many pieced that I couldn't glue them together.

I was a joke, really, I was more than a joke, I was the stupid punchline in the end of the joke, no wait, I was the stupid punchline in the end of the joke that people got wrong every time until they just gave up. Thats what i had become, a_ sad joke_.

Still, I knew the reason why, i had weared it like an invisible cape my entire life but that didn't mean i wanted to feel it.

Thats the beauty in it, being invisible and all, i didn't need to look at it but now i didn't have any other choice, the colors had started to show.

The dream always started the same, the first time i met her… _Until i saw her die._

Over and over and over again an endless cruel cycle, and i couldn't help to think that i deserve it, because I had tried to forget her.

Always the same thing.

"_I protected you...I-You're wrong Iza-Iza-chan, it doesn't hurt... it doesn't hurt to die."_

I shook my head violently, I could almost hear the loose screw somewhere in there, rolling around.

I was laying in my bed again, the only place where i could escape and now i didn't even have that any more. Nightmares, always nightmares.

I hugged my pillow tighter, I had to admit i felt silly.

My legs against my chest, while i hugged myself tightly, trying to get the pain to stop, like she always had. She always made the pain stop and go away…_ Her song._

Ever since Shizu-chan had haunted me down in the alley, poking at memories that shouldn't be touched I couldn't get her voice out of my head.

Terrified by the thought that Shizu-chan would see me with any thing else than my smile scared me.

So as the man that I was i had escaped, and escaped fast.

I hadn't moved from my bed more than absolutely needed.

Two ribs broken, bruises around my throat and all over my back. Scratches and a broken lip-among other things.

Normally I would have gone to Shinra but something as stupid as pride kept me away.

Why I didn't know, and I hated not knowing.

With a painful breath and something close to a sob, but couldn't be, Izaya Orihara didn't cry, i rolled around so that i was laying on my back. Looking up in the sealing.

How many times hadn't i been like this? How many times hadn't I been beat up and bloody? Dragged myself up on that roof because I knew she would be there. That she would sing until I falled asleep, my head in her lap.

Her voice so soft against me, her breath warm against my cold skin.

I never went home after a proper beating, I had never had any good contact with my family.

My sisters hated me, probably for not being there when they grew up… Sometimes i find my self asking, if things had been different, would i be able to tell them?

Tell them about Amaya, about her voice, about her smile, her kind eyes, dark hair… About that black kimono she always weared. Later on I would learn to know that it was all she had left from her mother, her story wasn't a happy one either… But would i be able to tell my sisters about it? About her story as well? About the day she died-no…

I would never be able to tell anyone about that- _I… I would.. Would… never…_

_God I was weak._

My eyes stinged.

"You're one miserable thing Izaya."

I reached my hand up, over my face, it felt heavy, I couldn't help to wonder… What would Shizu-Chan do if he saw me now?

The thought brought a smile to my face…

Oh, Shizu-Chan…. you simple minded fool, I wonder… What he made of all this.

I hadn't been in Ikebukuro for two weeks, was he missing me? I bet he was.

I chuckled painfully.

Stupid protozoan.

my chuckles soon turned to painful moans.

"… Why do you hate me? Is this your vengeance? Do I deserve it?... Please, just stop, I know I have no right but please, please… stop… I know its my fault, everything's my fault… But please make the pain go away…."

_Please…. Sing for me one last time..._


	4. Chapter 4 the beginning to the end

"_The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues." _

― _Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures_

* * *

Have you ever felt, like your life is just one long bad written movie and when you close your eyes you can almost hear the poorly composed soundtrack.

You can see pictures, glimpses of yourself caught on tape.

You don't remember it, _you're watching it._

As if it happened to someone else… You're just a viewer, like in one of those cheap horror movies. When you see a girl walking in to an abandoned mansion, screaming at the top of your lungs for her to back away, return where she came from.

Just don't make that stupid mistake, don't interfere, just run.

Thats how my lifes been, when i'm looking back I don't see my self, i see a young boy, searching for something, someone. I'm watching him, screaming for him to turn around, run far far away.

"it won't help, you will get hurt, its not worth it, you can't save her!" I scream and scream and still, he won't turn away.

The movie have already been made, soon the credits will start, black on white.

I wonder what the title to my life would be… "the morons adventure.", no thats not it… "The idiotic fleas mistakes.", yes thats it, i bet they could fill a lifetime.

So thats why, when I found my self beaten, pushed up against the wall, my life slipping away...

_Him...watching me._

I couldn't help to wonder, in what part of the movie was i supposed to know?

Images flashing before my eyes.

I guess… If i was going to start from the beginning, from the origin of Ozaya Orihara's life, it would be on that roof, the first time I met Amaya, but you already knew about that part. I already knew that part, instead let us just go back a few hours, its all I need. A few hours, my last time on this earth.

As I said the credits will start soon: The idiotic fleas mistakes", starring Izaya Orihara. The story of how I died, dramatic i know.

"Izaya?!"

That voice, no, no,no! It couldn't be! Namie.

The angry voice followed by a door closing, making the paintings on my walls tremble.

I forced myself to sit up, the bruises and cuts had healed, except from the ones around my throat, I had been beaten up enough times to know how to treat a wound.

Luckily my ribs wasn't broken as I first had guessed, I had come to the conclusion when I woke up the next day without being dead, but that didn't make the pain go away.

My breathing was heavy and without any painkillers i was on the verge of passing out, white spots danced before my eyes.

"Izaya! Are you still sleeping? Oh my god! Look at all this work, i expect an extra payment! Because this will take hours-." Her voice grew closer and I easily slipped in to my normal character, the wry smile came naturally."-Hey! Are you even listening to me?!-" My bedroom door flung open, revealing an angry Namie. Her green eyes watching me carefully."-Oh my god, you look awful! Is that.. Bruises?"

"And a good morning to you as well Nami-chan!~ Oh this?" I said touching my throat gently." What can I say? I like it rough!"

She looked at me with disbelief and something close to disgust."Whatever, its not like I care… I have work to do."

She closed the door behind her while I falled back against my pillows with sigh, this was going to be a long day… But I could do it, I always pulled thru, in the end.

I tried sitting up again, forcing my legs over the side of the bed, I cursed under my breath.

Okay… Maybe my ribs was broken after all… My eyes teared unwillingly while I forced myself up. A black simple T-shirt laid on the ground, it would do.

Getting dressed was more painful than i would like to admit, every movement was like torture, could this be classified as self harm? Well, maybe not but it was close…

I opened the door, Namie was already working, leaning over her desk, ignoring me best she could when i placed myself in my computer chair. Oh my lovely computer, it looked even more friendly than Namie, technology I had missed you solemnly.

This was work for me, searching the web for gossip, because for an informant like me gossip was gold.

This is the two things you need to know about gossip, either its born from something real or its created as an evil attempt on dirtying someones reputation. No matter the reason or its origin, it always holds something worth having.

"What the hell are you doing?" Namie said at last, I had been ravaging my keyboard, I could type faster than I could talk and that said a lot.

**[**_Sakurai Amaya, Kyoto_**]** I don't know how many times I had typed that name, hoping that one day I would find a picture of her, where she once lived, maybe her house or a family photo.

I knew that her mother's surname had been Sakurai and that she had grown up in Kyoto. It was a longshot but it was all I had, and as usual I couldn't find anything.

"Orihara?" Namie said again, trying to get my attention."Oh, sorry my love, I was writing a fanfiction about me and lovely Shizu-chan." I joked dead serious.

"Ha-Ha-ha…" She laughed dryly." You would make a terrible writer, and its not like you have your own manga or anything...Besides, you and shizuo Heiwajima isn't exactly best friends, who would ever think-"

"I didn't know that you read manga?" I said while Namie returned to her work with a snort.

"I don't, just pointing out how stupid and hilarious even the idea… Its repulsing…"

I couldn't help to laugh, if yet painfully."Oh… Namie-chan, what would I do without you?"

"Work." She said while she looked at me for a brief moment."Are you sure you're okay?"

"Why wouldn't i be?" I said, tilting my head.

"Because, normally you would have given me a headache or… I don't know, given out a speech about humanity…"

"Well well well, what's this?! Does Nami-chan worry about me? Do you miss my villain act?"

"Don't flatter yourself… You're not a villain Orihara, your a-"

"Monster? Please spare me your comments, you're breaking a poor mans heart! Don't you know how my heart skips a beat when I look into your beautiful jaden eyes?"

"I was going to say misguided fool, but sure be my guest… Oh and you have a meeting this afternoon."

"Cansel it."

"what?!" She stared at me, her green eyes shocked, normally I would have laughed but I was to tired, to many sleepless nights."Oh, did I scare you?~ Nami-chan… I'm so sorry…" I used my girly, mocking voice, one I knew usualy pissed her of but she didn't seem upset at all, was i losing my touch? No it was something else… was she… Worried about me? I laughed the thought away." Izaya… Are you sure everythings fine?"

"Oh, well of course Nami-chan! Just had a looong, rough night if you know what i mean~"

She frowned angrily, well at least that still worked."Its with one of the Awakusu, a snitch this is-"

"irreplaceable you're right, i'll go, but not here, I don't want him to know where I live, it could be a trap…" I said thoughtfully, she was right, this was important, the Awakusu was one of the gangs I didn't have much info on, and I was desperate… I started dozing of.

I needed to meet this man, nothing more to it. Even tho it was a great possibility that it was a trap, i needed somewhere safe, still private… Maybe somewhere in Ikebukuro, I also needed his name. Knowing a person makes it that much easier to break him

"Sometimes I wonder…"

"hm…?" It wasn't like her to talk, she got to work, insulted me with all rights, took her paycheck and left, it was a rearrangement i was suited with.

"How something- someone like you… What's going on inside your mind? Every step, every word, you must think it over a million times before answering, and that 999th time, its when you realise what words will hurt the most."

She said it so casual, still I could see that this was something she had been thinking about.

"The most powerful thing are words, sure you can kill a man with your bare hands but it will still be called a murder. With words, you can do more, you can leave him vulnerable and shaking, you can make a man kill himself, no crimes committed its-"

"Why? Why do you enjoy hurting people?"

That's where you're wrong..."I don't see the harm in it, humans are such strange creatures…" I spinned in my chair, ignoring the burning pain." "Everyone lies, everyone hides things, everyone has walls and masks that hides their true face from the world."

"Even you?"

"especially me."

_If she only knew._

* * *

**Authors note:** Sorry for the small chapter, If I didnt end it here it would be way to long! With other words I will post the next one tomorrow (hopefully) I also miss some Izaya and shizuo action a looot, so next chapter will be *smirk* fun!


	5. Chapter 5 Just words and a girl

_I dont own durarara._

_Parts taken from the original manga._

Please leave review because it makes (me) the author ever so grateful!

* * *

_You can kill a man with those words._  
_No gun. _  
_No bullets. _  
_Just words and a girl." _  
_― Markus Zusak, I am a Messenger  
_

* * *

The night laid heavy around me, like a part of my soul had leaked out and darkened the night.

Ikebukuro was always crowded but I knew for a fact that these streets would be empty, the only people sneaking around this part of the city was tugs and low life criminals and of course me.

I pulled my jacket closer around me, I knew Ikebukuro like the back of my hand. It's network of streets burned into my eyelids.

It had taken longer than I liked getting here, my bruised body complaining by every step, still i didn't let it show. Every weakness shown to the world was meant to be used.

The shade of a man appeared around the next corner, only visible thru the vague light from a lamppost.

He looked like they usually did, his hair tucked away under a cap, an over sized jacket hanged down to his knees, while a pair of baggy jeans almost hid a pair of worn out sneakers.

"Izaya Orihara, i wish I could say it was a pleasure but-" the man said while I got closer, moving with ease-or at least it looked so.- toward him, a smile playing on my lips.

I froze, the mans eyes so blue it couldn't be true, a frozen pond in his dirty face, scars visible around them.

"Ah, yes... People usually try to cut my eyes out first thing they do... I guess they find them-." He took a deep breath thru his nose, filled with something so close to lust that it made the hair on my arms rise_."-scary."_

The smile hadn't left me, I forced my hand out to greet his, he took it without hesitation. His fingers long, and hand soft as silk. This wasn't a usual low life criminal. This man was something more, something dangerous.

"Well, you know who I am, now... Who are you?"

"A great question,Who...Am...I..? Well, that's complicated. I'm a man that tried to find you, I'm a man who's life you destroyed... Last, I'm the man coming to kill you."

His voice was too sweet, words wrapped in velvet, intoxicating.

I stayed unaffected by his words, I've heard them so many times before.

"Well It's a habit of mine." I smirked.

"So I've noticed... I see, I guess I was wrong about you... I thought you was a coward, because who else could watch a mans only daughter die?"

My smile disappeared, my hand fell lifeless to my side. My breathing stopped.

"I've always wondered how my daughters killer looked like, now I know..."

"You-you're... You..."

"Sakurai Erai."

The man said, his thin lips curled like the ones of a snake.

It felt like a sword had pierced my torso, it's cold blade freezing me from the inside, still my hands was sweaty.

Black hair, dark eyes, a smile so gentle, like a wounded dove."Amaya-chan."

A hand smacked me hard across my face, white dancing over my eyelids.

"Speak my daughters name with respect or else... That won't be a hand next time." Erai said, his blue eyes...

"You don't know how hard it was to find you, a raven haired boy with dark red eyes... Covered in blood, it took ages finding you, then even more planting a reputation... Making you meet me here tonight."

"All...you ever needed to do was ask." My words was solid yet they came out lower than a whisper, images of Amaya, beaten, bloody... Chained and god knows what else... Broken, a wounded dove meant to fly free, caught and chained.

I stumbled back, hands around my head, trying to keep the images out.

I let out something close to a sob, coming from deep down within me, before pulling my hands away, forcing myself to look the father of my only friend-the one i killed.- in the eye.

Erai studied me, his blue eyes poison, the smile still there.

"Izaya Orihara, I've heard great things about you, given the part and you'll play it... Still, what would happen? If I asked."

"I would have let you kill me."

Everything close to my mask, my shield was gone. I didn't need it for this, I deserved this. This and so much more, this was my only redemption.

I understood there and then that this was where my life had taken me. Right here, it was here I was supposed to die.

I looked up in the sky, rain clouds, beautiful, beautiful night rain, had you come to wash my pain away, Amaya? Stroke the hair out of my eyes, to whisper small words of comfort, to sing for me… one last time.

"Acting noble into the last? After you beat my daughter bloody?! After you violated her?!" His voice made the blade dig in further. The pain was unbearable, my arms limb.

"I-I... Didn't..." I chuckled, my feeling such a chaos I didn't know what to make of it, this was so unreal… This was all so unreal, i had nothing left."I just held her hand, I never touched her... I could never... She..." I wanted to say so much more. That she had saved me, that the tugs I always watched, that they had planned to kill me. Found the roof, my place of peace but instead they'd found her.

She had tried to save me, when they took her she didn't make a sound, when i found her bloody she had been smiling.

Her black kimono, the small flower petals, stained, her dark hair.

Why!? WHY?! **WHY**?!... Why had she... why were you smiling... Why Amaya, why had you smiled? Why did you save me? I never deserved being saved.

She had been at peace she had been happy but why? All those years ago, it changed me. How could someone smile after something like that? How could something ever be so pure? In a world like this."She was my everything, my friend, my... She was my reason, she is my reason... I didn't touch her but it was all my fault." I said, while the cold blade of the sword nestled in deeper, I put a hand on my stomach, trying to insure myself that it was all in my head, but the pain was real, my eyes wide."it's my fault she died, they wanted me... They. I'm the reason Amaya-chan died, if you want-" sharp. The reflection of a blade, quick as a snake. Blood running down my chin.

"I said, if you don't treat my daughter with respect, it won't be a hand next time."

Erai said, his blue eyes blank, that's when I understood, it wasn't the colour, it was the emptiness, the blank, dead expression within them, so unlike hers.

"You're a great actor Orihara Izaya, the greatest that I've met, but it's enough. Enough lies. I know your kind. You think you're invincible, that you got nothing to lose, that you stand beyond redemption and honour. You don't even see your self as human do you?"

The sword pierced thru me and I let out a painful breath."No you're right, I'm not human, I could never be, I've tried... Tried so many times but I can't, I-I just can't-"

The blade crossed my jaw one more time drawing red.

I was quiet, it was nothing more I could say, my words didn't matter. I had killed my only friend, she had died for me, the boy she met on the roof that night, her words; _"I protected you...I-You're wrong Iza-Iza-chan, it doesn't hurt... it doesn't hurt to die."_

Erai smiled before he pulled the zipper to his jacket a tailored black suit revealed underneath it, he let the cap fall, dark hair... Just like hers.

A magnum revolver in his left hand.

"You're left handed?" I said smiling vaguely."she was left handed as well... She used to say that she got bullied because of it, that her teacher used to force her to write with the right, god she hated it."

"It thought you didn't believe in a god Orihara."

"I don't believe in god. There's no proof he exists. In a world where there isn't even proof of the future, the past exists. Even if it's tainted with misunderstandings and delusions, if the people themselves believe in it, the past is the truth to them. And, if you base your actions or your life around it, in a way, it's a type of god itself."

"So what does your past make you into? Who are your god? The devil? You killed a mans daughter, you put on an illusional act to save your own skin, how much more pain...?!"

"Then let me rot in hell, I killed her but you..." I said suddenly furious." You, where we're you when her mother died?! When everything she knew burned, my god might be a demon and i its monster, but you… you're godless!"I bit my tongue.

"Enough Orihara, I've heard enough, no more games. You can play how much you want, you killed my daughter. Was she an act for you as well? A sick game, someone you could torment? Until you got too bored and threw her away?! I don't buy your story... The things I've heard about you, makes me sick. I will do the world a favour." He laughed, a sweet chuckle, too kind, to filled with life with those dead cold eyes." I will toss you aside like a broken little toy just like you did with her, just like you killed her, did you laugh? Did you smile, when she was dying, did her last words to you even… they were wasted on you! Her blood is on your hands!"

Someone dragged the sword out- a blood filled gurgle came from deep down my throat - the only thing keeping me up, i stumbled forward, falling to the ground on my knees, face in my hands. Looking up at the sky above me... _I'm sorry_...

Amaya, blood, red, broken, smile, it all flashed before my eyes over and over.

"You disgust me."voice like soft velvet.

Strong hands grabbed my hair, pushed me hard against the wall. I'm sorry shizu-chan, i knew you wanted to kill me but I guess faith had other plans, I couldn't help to laugh at how ridiculous my last taught was, how many that wouldn't die just to kill me.

"You think this is funny? Ah, we'll... Nothing I can do about that now, can I?" He looked at me with such hatred "... any last words?"

"I'm sorry I won't be able to see you in heaven Amaya-chan, because I'll go to hell." The truth is, I dont belive in heaven or hell, because then i was forced to be a demon. I had loved and enjoyed and lived every moment, every second with Amaya knowing that it could be the last, still... It would never be enough. I wouldnt cry here, because if i did... I would never forgive my weakness.

I heard it before i felt it, a sharp pain in my right shoulder, then in my side.

I'll tell you this, it's nothing like the movies, first of all the sound itself is enough to make you fall. My ears ringing, my body shaking.

Erais feet pressing against my bullet wound.

I wanted to scream but couldn't.

"I said, speak my daughters name with respect."

A kick to my face made my head roll.

I didn't move a muscle, I didn't scream.

I deserved this.

I didn't know when he left, but when i woke up my jacket was in pieces and i couldn't open my left eye.

Now you know, the end to my movie.

The end to my life.

My past, my mistakes, every breath leading me here.

I hope you won't mind the bad ending but honestly the hole movie was crap.

You should have stopped reading or watching by first second, chapter or page.

Just when you saw two red eyes open you should have known that nothing good would come out of it.

So this is the place where I die? I knew it would be a trap, didn't i?

My legs are heavy, my arms, I can't move.

I will be dead within the hour. Here of all places who would have known? Still I should have died years ago, it should

have been me that night, not her. She gave me life and look what I did.

I'm sorry Shizuo, I'm sorry...

_-Ya-yo-I-no so-ra-wa_

_Mi-wa-ta-su ka-gi-ri_

_Ka-su-mi-ka ku-mo-ka_

_Ni-o-i-zo i-zu-ru_

_I-za-ya_

_I-za-ya"_

_Her song... I could hear her, always, sweet and kind, loving, she had been singing that night as well.-_

_._

_._

_._

That... I... That I'll die, like... Like... Im, I'm sorr...sorry you're...

You're not... The... One...

That...

You won't... Be the one.

that...

Kills... Me.

Shizuo.

_But If I stay here he'll..._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_He came._

* * *

**_Im so so so sorry for such a slow update! I have exams comming up, I will have a small break on saturday! So I will be posting the next chapter by then! _**


	6. Chapter 6 A contract with the devil

I dont own durarara!

Amaya and Reiko are my own characters and not from the serie.

* * *

_"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." _  
_― Gloria Steinem_

* * *

Unlike that damned flea I hated these parts of Ikebukuro, the buildings almost falling over each other, sickening shapes reaching over my head, like broken spines, cracked and crumbling in the dark. Still i didn't have much of a choice.

I needed to know, and the best information broker in Ikebukuro was the only one I couldn't ask.

It was nothing more than a hole in the wall, fog and steam reaching out. Red lanterns failing miserably on giving the place a welcoming feeling, some almost out of order, buzzing angrily, as if fighting for their own life's. Ripped bartender chairs spitted out like teeth from an open mouth

**[ Reiko ramen].**

"What do you want?" A young kid asked, scuffed in between soup bowls and noodles, his electric green eyes watching me questioning while he played with a kitchen knife that looked misplaced and way too big in his small hands.

"I'll take the number 5..." I murmured, sitting down beside the desk."Also, I'd like to speak with Reiko."

"Sorry, Reikos not here."

"Say _'hi' _from Shizuo and I think she will." I said lighting a cigarette.

The boy gave me a curious look- leaving a bowl with ramen i wouldn't touch with my bare hands- before leaving.

I sighed, breathing in the smoke deep down my lungs before letting it fill the night air.

I was here for one reason and one reason alone Amaya. A name that wouldn't stop ringing in my ears, together with the fleas haunted voice.

_Damn it_, I needed it to stop, I needed to get his voice out of my head!

Make sure that.. That it wasn't real, that it was all just a game, a play put together by that stupid flea to mess with my head, that it had all just been an act. Because I couldn't let myself believe that Izaya Orihara was human, it would mean that every punch and every blow had made him feel. Don't get me wrong, If I got the chance I would still beat the living crap out of him... It's just... Imagine your favourite character, strong, fighting and indestructible, image you meet him in real life and see the person behind the act... _No_, izaya was still the fucked up information broker, all I had to do was find him and make sure that he wasn't human and end his acts for good.

"Shizuo-" A voice, delicate and sweet like chocolate melting greeted me when the most beautiful woman in the world entered. Dark hair like a waterfall reaching down her waist, big, hypnotic impossible purple eyes, rich red lips. "I'm so sorry for the... Security but I am a wanted woman after all." She was perfection, even her small imperfections, her upper lip a bit curvier, her eyes too knowing, her face was like an open book, ready to be read, with the headline '_dangerous'_ written in graceful red letters.

"Reiko." I sighed." Gambling will be the death of you."

"Oh I hope so, I've never planned on being old... Olds dull, ugly. Old is what we are left with when life flew away, the last thing a woman will ever feel is old." She said, shooting me a breathtaking smile.

"I need information."

"Oh, Shizuo you used to be so much fun! Remember?We could _talk_ for hours!" She frowned in played irritation."So, what can I assist you with?"

"Izaya Orihara, his missing, I think he got something big planned."

"Izaya Orihara..." A dangerous glint played in the corner of her eye."Hm, yes, that's a name isn't it?"

"Do you know what he's planning?"

"Me? No, he would never let me in on his games... For some reason I don't think he likes me... Hard to belive I know, never took an interest in silly little me...But I might know where he is."

"Tell me-"

"_Ah-ah-ah, _slow down now, first I need something from you...A favor."

"What kind of favor?"

She walked towards me, leaning on the desk with muscular arms, her skin flawless, she was wearing a black blouse, flattering on all the right places- nothing so beautiful would make It out of this world hole."First of all, no smoking in here-" she said while reaching forward, her face so close to my own that her eyelashes tickled me playfully. Her eyes hypnotic, a universe filled with stars, planets and mysteries, hiding in those purple orbs.

With a delicate hand she took the cigarette out of my mouth." This will kill you, you know..." She said while dragging in the smoke, blowing it out in my face. I ignored the stinging pain in my eyes and fought the urge of coughing.

"Second of all... It will come a day when I'll need something from you.." She fingered absentmindedly on my bow tie." And I hope that you will be ready when the time comes..."

I didn't hesitate."Fine, now tell me what i need to know."

She smiled fondly, backing away.

"Izayas losing."

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"I mean that his being beaten in a game he never intended on playing." She said simply.

I looked at her for a second, trying to form my next question, thoughts like a big tangled mess, fighting in my mind.

"Amaya-"

"Ah... That's an interesting name, call her izaya's weakness, his death what ever you like..."

"How do 'you' know that name?"

"Walls have ears... Its my job. Men… and women usually tells me what i want to hear...Izaya thinks himself knowing the mind of mankind, maybe he does but you have to remember, Izaya doesn't consider himself human." She put the cigarette to her lips once more, ignoring my angry glare.

"We're is he -" she smiled while the sound of a gunshot pierce the night, like a broken mirror.

It followed by one more and It took everything with it, my breath, my thoughts.

"I guess you could say he has an appointment with the father of his creator."

I didn't know why but for the first time in my life I panicked, I stood up, the bartender chair falling behind me and the bowl with ramen was suddenly emptied on the street. That gunshot, it couldn't be… Izaya!

_"WHERE!"_

She rolled her eyes as if I was an annoying child she had to deal with.

"Down the road, 3 blocks away... Second to the left..."

Without knowing it I started running.

"You forgot to pay for the ramen!"

"Add it to my favour Yuki-Onna!"

I could hear her laugh behind me.

I felt something wet fall on my nose and looked up… Rain?

_"The raven is falling, the snake have been crawling,_

_The night have been crying the raven is dying."_

Her chocolate sweet voice nestled itself around the words. Giving me goosebumps down my back but I didn't stop, for some unknown reason I wouldn't stop running until I saw him, and I couldn't help to think that it would be with him covered in blood.

Damn it, I hurried my paste. I couldn't let him die without knowing... Knowing if he was human.

* * *

**Author's note; **Hi! I know that some of you expected this chapter to be the one where Shizuo finds Izaya.. Bloody and beaten, so instead i let this chapter be a new cliffhanger *evil polite murmur* But I promise that next chapter will be the one you guys are waiting for!

(Reiko will serv a bigger role later on *winkwink*)

So stay tooned for more.

**Im going to start posting chapters once a week, so.. stay close for more!**

And please leave a review and let me know what you think about the new chapter, or if i should change something, I know i left it with some question marks! I always get just as happy to know what you guys thinks of it! :D

_(I'm also wondering if i can lower the ranking? I'm not sure if i ranked it to high? just being cautious )_


	7. Chapter 7 Broken soul

I don't own durarara!

Amaya is my own character and not from the serie,

* * *

_"If I were the rain. . . that binds together the Earth and the sky, whom in all eternity will never mingle. . . Would I be able to bind two hearts together?" _

* * *

I was running, I knew I was running, so how could it feel so much as falling?

On my way towards the ground before I could stop it, crashing toward a scene that would end in blood, lies and pain.

I shook my head- _idiot._

The world in chaos, still everything was quiet, drained.

I had to know! Before it was too late, I had-I _needed_ to make sure that izaya wasn't human.

Even tho it wouldn't matter, I didn't need to run, this was all just a game...

I'm sure of it, one other plot put together to mess with me, but in the back of my mind something told me that this was real, too real...

Izaya couldn't die, he wasn't human, right? Why did I even think like that, it shouldn't matter-_it doesn't matter_- I just needed to know, Amaya, everything. I was done playing games.

'_The raven is falling, the snake have been crawling,_

_The night have been crying the raven is dying.'_

Reikos song followed me while I ran, like an invisible twisted sidekick. It was something about it I couldn't shake off, that tasted wrong, like 3 weeks old ramen... Like Reikos ramen.

The rain was pouring down, laying my hair flat against my head, my clothes soaked. Raindrops falling down as individuals, screaming for help until they died, smashed and broken, ending up as small puddles filled with dirt on the sidewalk, never to be separated again.

_'Down the road, 3 blocks away... Second to the left..'_

I turned the corner, just to wish I never had.

Izaya laid back against the wall, his hair messy even thru the rain. He looked like a lifeless doll that someone dropped, landing with legs tangled and arms folded, it almost looked comical, unreal.

His face so pale, almost transparent, the same feeling again, like he was small, something fragile and easily breakable and maybe he was. Just that he hadn't let himself get broken until now.

Two fresh scars across his chin and his face filled with bruises, his jacket torn.

The crown around the work was the red rose, blooming on his side, the bullet wound, forming small flower petals in the rain..

Still, nothing will follow me more than those dead eyes. A pale milky red, clouded and broken.-like in the alley- I almost thought he was dead, because nothing close to life was there, like the soul had left only emptiness behind. A shell, a facade. When the workers leave the factory at the end of the day, not able to function on its own. Windows dark and inside empty.

I walked forward, standing over something so close to a corps...- This couldn't be real, it was just a bad dream right? I would wake up soon, I _had_ to wake up soon...-

Shit, what the hell do I do now? My hands numb.

I coughed, as if to get his attention... We'll that was just stupid.

Dumbfounded I got down before him, sitting on my feet to get away from the rain, it was even worse up close, I swallowed.

Was he dead? He couldn't be dead right? I tried to look for any sign of life, a small pulse or sign of breeding, nothing...

"Are you going to sit there all day?"

I almost fell backwards.

A small fragile spark had found its way into his eyes, still it was like looking under water, a shadow version of its former self, a bad copy.

"what are you doing..."

"I'm dying shizu-chan, what does it look like?" Izayas voice didn't falter even if it was barely more than a whisper.

"No, I mean... What are you plotting?" It couldn't be real, it just couldn't." Your words are always reverse, you always lie..."

His mouth moved on its own, his voice monotone."I'm sorry shizu-chan but I don't have a reason for lying..."

"Amaya-"

"Dead and gone and soon so am I, nothing more to it."

Amaya... Dead? For how long? I wasn't sure what I had expected, of course she was dead... But when? Why, had Izaya killed her? Who was she...

"Yes, i killed her."

Always knowing what was on my mind!... So it was true... Izaya had killed her, but it didn't make sense, when he spoke her name, even in this state it was a word filled with love.

I looked back up at him, for gods sake, I couldn't do anything else than_ look at him_, as if he was something unknown, something that shouldn't exist… And somehow, he was, because no human should ever be as broken as this, no one should ever deserve… This, right? Not even Izaya Orihara. He got paler by the minute. I tried clearing my mind. "I dont belive you."

He mustered a sigh, rather impressive in his state."I killed her, end of story."

"Oh, I don't think so flea, I want to know, everything... Tell me or-"

"Or what shizu-chan, you kill me? I think I can muster that much on my own, thank you very much."

"No, tell me because she deserves the truth." It was cheap I know… But i needed to know.

His gaze met mine, locking it."She died because I was weak and pathetic and couldn't save her, she died because I let her."

I just stared... The small spark had started to fade away.

"I don't think-"

"Stop, please spare me the comments, it was my fault, everything. I led them there, I couldn't stop them..." He said trying to collect himself while his voice had grown smaller and smaller, bitter, the small smirk hanged heavy."I saw her beaten to death,chained."

I didn't know what to say, what could I say? I had wanted to see if Izaya was human… Now here he was, shield broken and i still didn't know what to feel, what to do. Should I kill him? Could i even let my self kill him in this state?

So Amaya had died and izaya hadn't been able to help her? No, it was something more to the story, something he wouldn't or couldn't tell me.

"Who did this?"

Reikos words '_I guess you could say he has an appointment with the father of his creator.'._.. What did they mean?

He smiled almost fondly." My, my shizu-chan, you're oddly chatty today. No punching? No getting beat up towards the wall? I'm disappoint..."

"If you haven't missed it you stupid flea you're already punched up against the wall, who did this?"

He chuckled, such a painful sound that it made me want to vomit."ohh... Shizu-chan, don't worry I'm always and will always be yours." He blinked towards me.

I couldn't help the growl."stop it! Who did this! Damn it Izaya I can't even do this to you!"

"A gang, I can't say I'm really... Into the hole gang idea but... They got the best of me..." He smirked toward my reaction.

The small spark that had stayed with him seemed to falter.

The rain, the only voice to be heard as if it was crying for the broken boy in front of me.

His breaths got more forced and the pain more visible upon his face, damn it i didn't have much time,I tried to collect my mind... Shit.

The gesture caught me unprepared when he reached out a shaky hand. I didn't pull pack when he put it against my cheek, to shocked to even react.

It was cold, except the blood from where he had pushed it against his bullet wound.

"I'm sorry shizu-chan, I'm sorry that you wasn't the one that got to kill me, but hunting down the one who did it won't bring me back..."

I just stared at him."but leaving you like this, watching me die... At least I won't be the only monster, ey?"

Before I could say something his hand dropped, falling to his side- leaving a red handprint- his body lifeless, his eyes closed, he looked so peaceful, like he had accepted his faith… Well i sure as hell hadn't.

"Izaya...?" I sat down on my knees, my uniform soaked either way.

The rain somehow fell heavier.

"Flea?" I put my hand around his wrist, feeling for a pulse...

"Oi, Izaya snap out of it!" First nothing, then a small shiver, like a small bird.

It skipped a beat and I felt my self panic, without knowing what I was doing I ripped off the arm of his jacket, knitting it around his wound, covering the red rose.

His eyes flicked open and he tried to push himself away from me.

"_No_! What are you doing, why can't you just let me die in peace?!" He snapped my hands away."why can't you just let me die knowing that I'm not the only monster... What the hell is wrong with you! Why-"

"Shut up Izaya, I'm not doing this for you, if you want to see me as a monster do so, because I'm selfish enough not to let you die!"

He looked at me, his eyes wide. Forgiven the situation, i would have laughed. It was strange seeing him like this, without his emotions in control. He was like one other person, i realised then that i didn't know shit about izaya.

He was quiet, he just looked at me as if I had totally lost it.

"this is it, I'm leaving." Izaya said before he made an attempt on getting up on his elbows.

"Are you insane?! Stay still stupid flea, Oi, do you want to die?! Do you think you can just walk out of here?!" I yelled, ignoring how loud or who would hear.

"Don't fool yourself, he broke my legs, I'll just need to crawl..."

He?... So that explained why he hadn't tried to move away yet. I have to hand it to him he was strong, but he wouldn't make it much longer.

I ignored his childish struggle when I tied the ripped piece harder around his wound.

"What are you doing?"

"Lifting you up?"

"Don't." A warning.

"You'll die."

"I don't need to be saved by you, Don't you get it? I want to die! Don't you see, are you really so st-?"

"I do, that's why I'm saving you."

I lift him up, his black shirt sticked towards my body, colouring my cloths red. I had no other choice carrying him the same way you carry a small child.

"Well well well, just married..." Izaya muttered before he tried his struggle again."I don't get you shizu-chan."

"Nor do I."

"So let me down and let me die you protozoan!" He tried hitting me, not being able to move his legs… Shit i needed to stop this, he would bleed to death soon.. It was surprising he hadn't done so already.

"Why is it so damned important for you?!"

"Because I won't die knowing you tried to save me, you of all people."

"You won't die."

He leaped, falling forward, almost landing on the ground before I catched him, holding him around his arms.

His legs dangled unuseful behind him.

"Let me go!"

"No, I won't, because I won't kill you until you're you again."

He stopped."so that's what this is about?"

"That. And I want to know the truth."

"I told you."

"Maybe but not all of it, I won't believe you're human. Never."

"I'm not."

"I know!" Or I hoped so.

"I'm better of dead!"

"I won't argue."

"You... Don't you see? I just cause pain, I'm... I don't understand, I will never understand you humans, your language you're reasons. I was never one of you..." He murmured something unhearable."I'm sorry Amaya... I'm sorry...I'm-"

His head hanged."I'm so sorry-" He whispered as a mantra, like he had prayed it his entire life, I realised that he'd pass out when he suddenly stopped.

I put him in my arms again, so small... How could something like him be so small? something that causes so much trouble and pain… How could it fit in this tiny body? He even looked peaceful, and something more i couldn't put in place.

I started running, Shinra, by god don't let it be too late.

I looked down, his hair covering his eyes and his lips slightly parted. Even if his words had been soft whispers, I knew the pain that must hid behind them.

Izayas past... By all the horror he must have gone thru, no wonder he came out the way he did… If it was counted as retribution i didn't know, it still felt like it was something he hadn't told me, not just who had done this… But something else...

I just hope I won't be too late… Izaya stay with me!

* * *

So, this was fun... xD  
I got inspiration from the doujinshi nemisis (a izayaXshizuo) one, so if you havnt read it yet you should!  
As usual a review a day keeps the doctor away!  
I always love to know what you guys thinks so... yea :3  
stay close for more!


	8. Chapter 8 Don't let it be too late

I dont own durarara!  
Amaya and Reiko are my own characters and not from the serie!  
contains offending language and violence

* * *

_"A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words bruise the heart of a child."  
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow_

* * *

**Izayas POV**

So this is the ending to my movie? Dying in the arms of my enemy, in the arms of the man that wants to save me, the man that wants me dead. how ironic.

If only, if only it had been years ago, me and not her. If she had lived, she wouldn't have turned into me, she wouldn't have been the monster, she would have been the angel that saved us all. Not the demon lurking in between shadows.

I'm sorry for not being able to save you, I'm sorry for turning into me and I'm sorry that I won't be able to join you, because how can something like me ever be able to go to the same place as someone like her? Heaven, hell or after life, I won't be able to share any of that with you, and for that I'm sorry. I used to think that death was nothing, but you would shine to bright in endless darkness, a star upon the night sky, you would create your own universe.

I couldn't feel shizu-chan's arms around me anymore, didn't he realise it was too late? I couldn't even move my arms, as far as I know, they didn't exist. It's just like me to die here, literally surrounded by my enemy, what a magical time to be alive, or dying. Good one Izaya.

_"I won't kill you until you're you again."_ How sweet shizu-chan, really, all this trouble just for little me? If only I could stay and torment you longer, I bet you would like that,_ ha_? I bet you would love to run after me one last time, for good olds sake.

Still, I will never understand you, why you saved me... I know what you said but if that was true? I could feel the laughter inside my mind, not being able to escape thru my broken lips. What a complete utterly, worthless idiot you have become izaya, oh shizu-chan... !

Don't you realise that you are driving me mad? Of all humans are you the most interesting one, and I'm sorry to leave you in a hurry, but it's not like my loss would break your heart... Good bye, shizu-chan, such a simple word I leave behind. I'm sorry that my movie wasn't a happy one, but I've played my part, and what a role it was, the screen is going black and my mind... Even thinking is hard... Damn it. My thoughts escaped and ended unfinished, I hadn't been able to think clear for a while now, and my vision is long gone.I'm sure the rain is still falling heavy... Amaya... I just hope i will be able to remember you, when the screen goes black... Will I remember... You...

**Shizuos POV**

_No!_ Just no, not like this you stupid flea!_ Not Like This!_ "Oi! Don't you dare dying on me?! You hear me?" He was pale as a ghost. His hair sticking to his face and his eyes closed, he could just as much be sleeping... if it wasn't for the scars that shined a bright red, like neon signs on a white background.

Streets, houses became one.

Shinra! By god... It can't be too late!

"Don't die Izaya, don't you dare you- you-" What? Stupid? Had I used that already? I had started to run out on insults. How many times hadn't I asked him not to die on me tonight? How could I even bring myself to ask such a thing? Me asking him... Not to die, not in a hundred- _scratch that_- not in a million years would I ever guessed that I would beg izaya Orihara to live. I felt my stomach clench, could this have been me...? Doing this to him? No, I could never... At least not after tonight, would I ever be able to see him the same way? Like something that wasn't broken or damaged?

There, by the love of god, don't let it be too late! Shinra you better know how to bring someone back from the dead! Because right now we need all the magic we can get.

I didn't bother to see if the door was unlocked, instead I put all my force into it, causing it to fly over the room, crashing into the wall on the opposite side in the small hallway, splitting into a million pieces.

"Shizuo?! Shizuo, what have I said! First push it inwards and then out, it's still broken from last time and-" Shinra stopped mid step when he saw me, and what a sight we made. Izayas ripped and torn jacket, his small body, bloody in my arms, while I was out of breath, almost falling over.

I didn't dare do think of the assumptions he must make, I didn't have time."s-save him, please."

Shinras eyes widened if possible further, his hair was In its usual mess, glasses on edge. He was wearing a couple of pyjamas shorts with a white T-shirt and his lab coat over that, always the lab coat, did he sleep in that thing as well?!

"Celty... My darling sun. Bring my first aid kit and clear the table... It will be a busy night and not the good kind of busy."

Without hesitation, was he waving me forward, towards the kitchen table where celty already had put up a minor hospital, with a white clean tablecloth draped over the kitchen table, of all colours... Did it have to be white?

Celtys phone burned in her hands before she almost shoved it up Shinra's face" Yes love, the vodka will have to do."

Shinra's usual, goofy behaviour was blown away, instead I saw the doctor he was behind the way to thick and big glasses.

"Put him there Shizuo!"Shinra said pointing at the table."Carefully!" He added when he saw me almost falling over it, and bringing Izaya down with me.

I did as I was told, the knowledge of what had happened tonight had started to take its hold, my movements was shaky and I couldn't help to notice how violent my hands was shaking when I saw Izaya's helpless and lifeless body on the table. Broken, was the only word to come to mind.

Was he... Was he-"his not dead but his pulse is weak..." Shinra murmured, answering the question I hadn't dared to give.

"Scissors." Celty handed him one within seconds, Shinra hadn't taken his eyes off Izaya sense we arrived but now his eyes found mine, they were determined and absolute."are you sure you should stay?" I ignored the 'should' in the question and just nodded."I need to-"

"It won't be pretty." He answered before focusing on Izaya again." Did it go thru?" Shinra murmured, giving the sleeve I tied around Izaya's wound a curious look before carefully untying it."Celty, push on the wound we have to stop the bleeding."

celty did as she was told, and Shinra gave me one last judging eye before cutting open Izaya's shirt and carefully taking it off together with his jacket and for a second... Time stopped, I couldn't help to hear the small _'shit_' that escaped Shinra's lips. I looked away. Izayas body was a network of bruises and scars, as If someone had decided to create their own world map, with small lakes and borders cut and blooming on his torso. It was as if the whole room had taken a collected breath only letting it go when a new line of course words escaped Shinra in small whispers.

When the doctor looked up at me this time, it was with eyes filled with fear and pure anger, and something broken, not the broken I had seen in Izaya's tormented eyes, no, like the kindness and light amusement that always followed the man had shattered and been replaced with a dangerous anger, but that still didn't wipe away that fact that Shinra was scared.

"It hasn't pierced thru, missed the stomach... 'abdominal' wound, probably the liver, causing internal damage... Probably close ranged, not in the intention of killing right away, but hurting... Bleeding out, slow death, a lot of pain. The ones that did this wanted him to suffer..."

I could feel my stomach wrench while Shinra spoke, I closed my eyes, I didn't want to see this, never In a million years. It didn't matter how much i hated... Had, hated him, I couldn't bring myself to look at the broken raven, wings cut of, unable to fly."it's still in there..." Shinra muttered before reaching for the vodka bottle, emptying it over Izaya's stomach and putting on a pair of plastic gloves." we can't keep it there, it will damage the tissues... " Shinra hesitated, as if judging the situation carefully."Shizuo... I think it best if you leave..."

"I won't-"

"Go into our bedroom then... Do you know what kind of gun that was used? Probably magnum, powerful, it should have gone out on the other side, probably a slow bullet 22... Can't be-"

Celty was still holding her hands over Izaya's wound best she could, but removed them to give Shinra full access."celty love, I think Shizuo are going into traumatic shock, guide him towards the bedroom, don't give him anything to drink and see so he doesn't fall asleep, hand him a blanket."

"I won't leave-" I backed away from Celtys hand, stumbling backwards.

"Yes, you will. Because I can't deal with a traumatic breakdown right now."

Shinra said before softening his tone."please Shizuo, save your strength."

Save my _strength_? I had nothing but strength yet, It was useless.

I didn't protest when celty put a hand on my shoulder this time, still covered in blood were her hands had pressed towards Izaya's wound, I guessed it didn't matter, my shirt looked like hell after i had carried him, and I was still wet."give him something to change into!" Shizuo yelled after us, as if reading my mind. No, that was stupid, no one could read minds, not even Izaya. Because Izaya was mortal, and nothing but human. After tonight i wasn't even sure if he would become close to human ever again.

My thoughts was messy, and I felt myself being close to stumble and fall a couple of time, celty keeping me in place on the small walk towards the bedroom.

I didn't notice when we reached the door or when I got placed in the bed but when I felt a soft pair of hands on my shoulders and something pressed toward my chest. Celty nodded towards the cloths in my lap, realising that I wouldn't be able to read anything she wrote right now. I felt sick. She had her helmet on, and I caught my own reflection, I looked like shit, to put it kindly. She pointed towards the small bathroom, and she didn't need a voice to be heard to make herself clear 'wash up, you look like hell'. I forced myself to stand up, almost falling over, shit! The word of the hour, while I made my way towards the bathroom. I closing the door behind me, trying to lock it but my mind was a mess and I couldn't get it to work properly.

Amaya... This is all your fault! If it wasn't for you izaya would never have died-no don't think like that he's not dead! He can't be... He just can't... I have too much left to say, to know... I would never be able to hurt him after this, not when I knew what the result might be if I lost control... The thought of me, doing something like this... My legs gave way underneath me, i caught the sink before I had time to head pump it, arms throbbing. Shit, not good!

_Don't look down_, they always say 'don't look down', just look up, 'ups' safe...

I looked up, just to find myself staring back. Izayas red handprint hadn't been washed away by the rain, it couldn't be real... I traced it with my fingers... So small, how could something be so small? How could he not have broken until now? With hands so small... So fragile...

I heard a small knock on the door."I'm okay celty! Don't worry!"

It didn't take long to undress, the blood sticking toward my torso as well... sticking to the night, the world, the back of my eyelids. I almost ran into the shower, not carrying how cold it was, I needed the pain, needed to wake up. Wake up in a time were Izaya had been inhuman, imortal a semi god. A time when I hated him, when nothing could hurt him... Not even me, not even my strength could touch him. When I hadn't been the only monster.

I let the water wash away some of the numbness, going from freezing cold to burning hot, it took me a while to realise that I was still wearing my socks... Like it mattered, like anything could ever matter again.

I stood there until the water got burning and my body numb, the blood washed away, so easily, while it had caused so much pain...

I didn't get out until I heard the forth soft knock, as if the door- or I- would break if it got too loud. I didn't care to dry my self, celty had lend me a pair of simple sweatpants and a white T-shirt and i had never in my life felt so comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.

The room fogy, making it impossible to see anything in the mirror... As if the mirror represented my mind. Thoughts playing fetch, escaping just as someone got close.

A heartbreaking scream tore thru me, making my insides twist and my heart break, shattered in a milion pieces. In all my life, i never dared to guess, that such a sound was possible, but it didnt matter because nothing tonight was supposed to be real.

It soon followed by one other, more stretched, like rubber, just to be shot back when it got too far and slap me in the face. To paralysed to move. I could hear yelling, feets running up and down, and more cursing.

Slowly I made my way towards the door, my hand finding the door handle, just to realise I wasn't strong enough to pull it open, as if the strength I had hated all my life had decided to leave me in my time of need. Finally the door went up but I didn't- I couldn't pass thru it.

The scream still stuck in my ears, forever burned in to my brain.

My wet socks dragged towards the ground when i, after what felt like forever, walked past the door, not carrying enough to lift my feet.

I could see Shinra running around in chaos, yelling commands, while Izaya was sprawled across the table, his body jerking back and forth. Like a fish on dry land, and maybe he was because this was a world that didn't belong to either of us. It didn't feel real, like I was watching a scene from a movie, something that could never happen in real life, not to me at least.

"Celty! Oh my god! Strap him down! Keep him still! I never thought he would find conciseness! Fast, so he doesn't bite his tongue!" I could see the utter panic in Shinra's movements, when I walked past him, his voice high pitched and filled with pure horror... I didn't even register the words, Izaya conscious? ."Anasthesia-"

Celty did her best to keep izaya still, his body jerking underneath her.

I didn't wait around to see what happened next, instead I did what I've done my entire life... I walked away. They didn't stop me when I turned around, no one said anything when I opened the door or walked outside, no one followed me, no one. I left the screaming horror scene behind me, it wasn't raining anymore... The night seemed peaceful, and I blamed it for it.

I needed to walk, far far away from this... I Just needed to put as much space as possible between me and 'it'. Stars smiled towards me, unknowing about the storm that went on inside me, following by a hollowness with no end. Passing people while i walked, but they didn't have a face. No one had a face, everything was just colours and shapes.

I didn't stay to think about the fact that I wasn't wearing any shoes, were I was going or if I would think about that, I would lose it for real. I forced every step yet I couldn't stop. As if someone was hunting me while my legs was unable to move or function properly.

I have no memory of getting here, as if I was sleepwalking, I was sitting on a small bench watching over ikebukuro, people going by their nightly routine... How could anyone function in a world like this, how could anything be normal after what happened izaya? How could the world still keep spinning and the stars still shine?

How could anything ever be beautiful, in world so ugly? I didn't know, but one thing I knew for sure, I would find the one who did this, and I would kill him.

This was not how the movie was going to end. _I would make sure of that_.

* * *

Im sorry for the 'dark' chapter once again! And that im late with this chapter!  
Please leave a review because it always makes my grey...dark...cold day that much brighter! thanks!


	9. Chapter 9 Hell

I dont own durarara!

quote from cosmic love, florence and the machine

Amaya is my own character and not from the series

**Warning:** Contains violence, cursing and dark thoughts

* * *

_The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out_  
_You left me in the dark_  
_No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight_  
_In the shadow of your heart_  
_  
_

* * *

**Izayas POV**

I was falling down the rabbit hole, trying to grab something, hold on to anything, but it was nothing but darkness and the sensation of falling gripping my stomach tight. So this was hell? Falling into a bottomless pit for eternity, well it could be worse.

'Iza-chan?!" "Iza-chan?!" _No,no,no!_ How- Amaya? Her voice broke the darkness, it was so loud, it felt like my ears would explode.

Amaya, no she can't be here, please oh god no! I was falling faster, as if the darkness tried to force me down. The wind caught in my hair, still I couldn't hear it.

"Iza-chan?!" Her voice louder, i wanted to yell, answer her call, but I couldn't.

Just like I couldn't save her. Why was she here? She was supposed to be at peace, she was supposed to have left hell behind her. No, this couldn't be happening... I wouldn't let it! Was this my punishment? Causing her more suffer? I wanted to scream but I couldn't find my voice.

_"Izaya!"_

I hit something, hard. The ground crumbling beneath me, what looked like shards of glass raining down from the impact, glittering threatening. My breath leaving me, spitting blood. Still I couldn't feel it . I couldn't feel pain, only a numb coldness spreading thru my entire body.

Breathe, breathe! You have to _breathe_! All my senses screamed at me, breathe you idiot! I arched my back, gasping for air. The first breath was almost painful, and I sucked it in greedy. Darkness all around me, the only light coming from a small star upon an emptied night sky, like all colours had drained, giving up long ago. It was cold so very cold. The ground... Ice? Wasn't hell supposed to be, I don't know, fire and flames? The cold air scratch down my troth, coming up in clouds of smoke. The small star shining down upon me, it's fragile light only making it possible to see a few feet away, where the light petered out into darkness, leaving a black void behind. It was a small frozen pond, or maybe it continued forever I wouldn't know. The ice underneath me sparkled dangerously, threatening to break.

You have to move! Get up before you freeze to death! Get up, now! The cold burned my palms when i forced myself to stand up, a mark left of my body where it had collided with the ground.

"Iza-chan." I turned around.

"Amaya?" Amaya, why...Was she real? All colours drained, her usual black kimono white, and her hair silver in the star light, she was beautiful, as always.

"I've been waiting."

"You're not supposed to be here, you-"

"I'm right where you left me Iza-chan."

"No- I never wanted this for you, I just wanted you to be happy, it's all I ever wanted, why? Why are you here?! What is this place?"

"Oh this?" She said, spinning around arms wide."This is your mind."

The only thing I could see was ice and darkness."My-my mind?"

"Yes Iza-chan, your mind."

"It's nothing... It's nothing in here, I was dead I was... Why?."

_"Ah-ah-ah_..." She bend forward, waving her finger back and forth the same way you tell a child right from wrong."I'm here, and so are they."

Sakurai Erai appeared from the darkness, while Shizuo walked into the small circle of light, standing on the other side, they looked like they did the last time i saw them, they didn't look at me, still like statues, eyes empty and sending shivers down my back.

"We are your creators, we are the things you will never forget, your worst and best memory's. We are what you can't let go." Amaya said smiling, her usual pale skin was warm and a small blush spread on her cheeks, while her eyelashes was covered in frost .

"No, it can't be... I don't think so."

"Oh?" She almost looked hurt, and I fought the instinct on just run forward, embracing her in my arms, but a sudden anger and fear had taken it's hold deep down my stomach."Why do you say that Iza-chan?"

"Because _he's_ not here, and you." I said pointing towards Erai, ignoring how much my hand was shaking or how panicked I sound."you have nothing, nothing! I'm free from you. You have nothing with me to do! I owe you nothing anymore!" Erai didn't move, his eyes frozen. What was going on?

"Silly silly Iza-chan! You can't get free from us, we are chained here, in this desert of ice."

"No, if this was my mind, he would be here."

Her usual soft smile widened. "He's not here, because his out there." Amaya said pointing towards the small star.

"He's not in your mind Iza-chan, his you."

"I don't- How can you- how can you compare me to him? Amaya, not you, not you of all people, not after what he did to you! I-I, I don't... This must be hell, this must truly be hell, please... Don't... I tried, I tried so hard for so long, but I just couldn't I-"

"Your whole life you hoped you wouldn't become him so much that you did Iza-chan."

"No- I won't-"

"Oh, don't cry Iza-chan! It's not your fault, I know you tried really really hard! When you hid everything up behind that smile of yours, when you thought knowing everything would leave nothing left behind. Trying to get friends, being human, but you soon realised that you where the monster he turned you into, the monster you never hoped to be.. And it all started with. Eeny..." Amaya sang while she danced around." Meeny." Her finger landed on her self."Miny." On Erai"Moe." Shizuo."His the one that made you feel like a monster for real, he was the first one to call you that after all."

"No, I knew long before trust me, sense the day I let you die." My voice broke.

"Oh! Iza-chan, poor poor Iza-chan! So much self loading and pity, do you enjoy it?"

"No... Please stop." This was hell, this was truly hell.

"Stop what Iza-chan? Did you really think playing the bad guy, would make you stop feeling pain? That hurting others would keep them from hurting you? Would make you understand?" Her sweet voice felt like needles." Oh, you misunderstood poor child!" She clapped her hands together and shook her head sadly." Because it's still what you are isn't it? Deep down you're just still that misunderstood, half dead child I found on the roof."

"You're not real, you can't be real."

"Oh I am Iza-chan, We are your worst fears, while Shizuo..." She said winking." Well, he's the guest of honour. he saved you."

"S-saved me?"

"Yes silly! Did you think this was death? Trust me, I have a first hand experience. But you're not in Kansas anymore Dorothy, and this? This is the land of oz." The smile she gave me made me want to run into the darkness and never be found.

"How do I get back?"

"You found your magic shoes, and tap tap tap them together." No, this wasn't Amaya, she was nothing like her, this was something cruel. My mind. 'Take away everyone around you, take away the objects you need in everyday life and what are you? Nothing.' Eating up my own words, how splendid. So this was what I was left with? In my centre I stood surrounded by my worst fears. I didn't know if I wanted to cry or laugh, I decided to go with the later.

"What's so funny Iza-chan?"

"I'm the aftermath of my own experiment, so this is what I am in the end of the tunnel, ey?"

"I can hardly find it amusing Iza-chan."

"N-no, you can, you do... So hell have been..." I pointed toward my head."up here this whole time? _Poff_." I gestured a gun with my hand, firing it, my smile growing. Just like me to construct something like this, ha... "Well, well well, isn't that something."

"Always the drama."

"Twice the fun." But still it didn't make sense, 4 people, I spun around. 4 people... Amaya, Erai, Shizuo... Everyone that had made my worst fears of my self come true, delivering them to me wrapped in a red bow. I ignored how my eyes willingly darted away from Erai, fear? Well I would have to take one demon at a time... And I was missing the devil. He's not here! Even if I had let myself turn into him... No, I was nothing like him. This wasn't Amaya, this was what my mind had turned her into, my conscious, my judge... What i fear. So why wasn't he here? Everyone had assembled for my closing party after all... My consciousness, guilt and my fear, everything i had locked up except him... Why? This was inside my mind after all... The only reason I wouldn't have brought him here was if i would somehow think.. No! No no no, it isn't possible- it can't be, no!

"Be-before you said, that he wasn't here because he was out there, is... Is he still alive?"

"Hmmm... Let me think... Oh, yes."

I could feel the bullet embedded within me and i fell to the ground, damn it, damn it all. My hands clutching at my wound. It felt just like when i had been shot.

"I- I thought I killed him- that night, I-I shot him i, ah!"

"Looks like they want you back."

My body was burning, the pain spreading from my spine like poison.

"H-how... C-can't, he... Be dead... I-"

"The man that strapped your wings and watched you fly, just to see you crash and burn?"

"He... Was... Supposed to be dead."

"They always are darling."

No, this was unreal, this was a dream. He was dead, The night he- Amaya... I killed him.

"Where?... Where, I-is he?

"In ikebukuro of course! Where he's always been! Right around the corner. But you knew that, didn't you?"

The star shined brighter, illuminating everything in its light while a scream tore thru me.

"Bye, bye now Iza-chan!" She waved towards me." I guess I'll see you soon!"

The ice cracked, just when the pain got worse. The star spread and swallowed me whole, while I falled thru the ice, it's shards following me, projecting images,memories? Me as a child, him, Amaya, endless star covered nights, red... A gun shot... Shizuo?

Light flickered in front of my eyes."Izaya? Oi, Izaya are you okay?"

The pain was overwhelming, and I bit down a scream, it still felt like I was falling and i tried finding something to hold on to.

"Hey, breathe, it's okay, I was away but I'm here now, I'm sorry, okay?"

Shizuo? I felt something finding my hand and I gripped it tight.

"I-I..."

"Shinra! Shinra! His awake! Come here fast! Shit!"

"I need-"

"Try not to speak Izaya, okay?" Footsteps rammed on the floor.

"Is he awake?! Fast move aside, i need to-"

The thing keeping me from falling almost slipped away."no!"

The pain almost breaking me." I can't, I-I... I need to-"

"You need what Izaya?" Shizuo asked, while the thing holding my hand got tighter, it almost felt like it would snap it in two.

"I need... To find...the-the wizard of oz."

"His hallucinating step aside!"

I couldn't help the scream, while I heard a snap from my hand, the thing... breaking it." Let his hand go Shizuo."

"N-no." I won't fall."I need to find him."

"Find who Izaya?!"

" Amaya's killer."

* * *

Hi and thank you for reading untill the end of this chapter! Feel free to ask any question you like! And i always get just as happy when you guys leave a review!  
Im going to a convention soon, so the update might be a bit slow next week, but i think i will manage it in time!  
So stay close for more! ( i want some izaya x shizuo action) :3


End file.
